Now that you better understand the theory of emotional intelligence, are you wondering how to improve emotional intelligence?

You can, you know.

Because emotional intelligence is your ability to identify and manage your emotions and the emotions of others, this is where you begin to improve – with your emotions.

“We become uncompetitive by not being tolerant of mistakes.  The moment you let avoiding failure become your motivator, you’re down the path of inactivity. You can stumble only if you are moving.”  Roberto Goizueta – former CEO of Coca-Cola.

Become Self-Aware and Other-Aware

One step in improving emotional intelligence is to develop your emotional self awareness. Can you identify your own emotions as anger, resentment, elation, etc., or do you stuff and ignore them because showing emotions isn’t what you do, especially at work?

Can you identify particular emotions in other people ?  Do you understand group dynamics and crowd mentality?

“Lifelong earning demands lifelong learning,” says Jeffery Joseph, Vice President of domestic policy for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Washington D.C.  “Managing in today’s workplace requires new smarts. All employees are handling more complex jobs which require entrepreneurial drive and the ability to solve problems, communicate ideas and make swift decisions.”

Take Responsibility

Learn to take responsibility for your actions and feelings.  If you messed up on a job assignment or reacted inappropriately to a co-worker, take ownership of it rather than blame others or feel entitled to your emotional tirade.

Remember you will have setbacks.  You will get discouraged when you are trying to change your behavior.  It takes time.  Think of some of these points:

• The problem is not just who is involved; the real problem is how I choose to respond.
• The real problem is not just how something happens; the real problem is how I choose to respond.

Exercise Empathy

An old Indian adage states, “Walk a mile in another man’s moccasins before you criticize him”.  Learn to look at someone’s actions through their eyes.  What colors their reactions at work?  Might they have a terminally ill child at home?  Are they facing foreclosure because their spouse was laid off?  Are they in chronic pain they don’t let others see?

“Empathy is career currency. It allows us to create bonds of trust, it gives us insights into what others may be feeling or thinking; it helps us understand how or why others are reacting to situations, it sharpens our ‘people acumen’ and informs our decisions.” Cynthia Kivland – Career Performance Strategies.

To be empathetic does not mean you need to tear up or feel sorry for someone.  Empathy is easily demonstrated (even if you don’t feel anything yourself) by using active listening skills.  Is it possible to really be empathetic with every person?  Probably not.

Someone may tell you something horrible that you don’t think of as a big deal or you are sitting on an intense deadline that you are going to get screamed at if you don’t get it done and you can’t think of anything else.  Just tell them you’re sorry to hear about such-and-such, please let you know what you can do for them, etc.  Just give them a few minutes of you focused on them. That is usually enough in a pinch.

Remember that studies have shown that words only account for 7% of the total message people receive, 93% of the message is contained in our tone of voice and body language.

You need to build empathy in the managers that report to you as well.  I was never an empathetic person early in my career, it was something that took time to cultivate and practice.  I also had to learn that lack of empathy usually means that a person is self critical, hard on oneself.  Even then I was never perfect.  Practice it.  It matters. To your career and the people that work for you.

Exercise Humor

Instead of resorting to anger or rigidity in your dealings with others, use humor to diffuse a situation that would normally anger or frustrate you.  For example, if someone bumps you and your coffee spills down your shirt, instead of yelling at that person, what if you chuckled and said, “Oh, man, and that was a good cup of coffee, too!”  You’ve just exercised an emotionally intelligent response.

With humor it’s easy to turn it into sarcasm so be sure you use the humor and not the sarcasm.  Sarcasm is often a defense mechanism, while it can be funny you are usually not building your credibility as a leader when you use it, no matter how hard it makes everyone laugh so just be wise about when you use it.

Look for the Silver Lining

Bad situations don’t have to be total doom and gloom.  Emotionally intelligent people find a silver lining, even if they had to make it themselves.

Let’s say your company of 2000 employees has to lay off 300, where’s the silver lining in that, you ask?  Well, first, there are still 1700 people with a job.  But because you are emotionally intelligent and empathize for the 300, can you rally any of the 1700 to help the 300 in some way?  If 1700 people donate $20 each, the 300 laid off can all buy a cart full of groceries or several tanks of gas while they look for another job.

Improving emotional intelligence has great rewards.  You will be a better employee and manager.  You will handle difficult employees and diffuse difficult, even dangerous, situations with skill.  You will rise further in the company, you will be more satisfied in your job, and you will help those around you to rise to their higher potentials as well.